Friday, February 26, 2016

Thursday, February 25, 2016

I'm not finished...

So much to say and I never say the right thing LOL. So I'm at this cool little bar having a glass of red wine... I was just at a wearable art show in DTLA tonight, left early bc I couldn't see anything from the three areas I attempted to stand in. Before that, I was on a plane from ny! Just landed basically! I feel like embarrassed to be here drinking alone and I thought about all the stupid ppl I know and which one of them I felt like going out with or are even available to at all and it's like NOBODY... So I just go alone! I've been doing this for quite sometime now actually. But whatever it's kinda lame honestly lol it's just that I actually like being on my own terms bc honestly ppl are complicated. 

Monday, February 22, 2016

I have a higher self too...

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up when I feel like it. I'm going to spend a day in NYC under my rule, my schedule, my pace, my choices, my real thoughts which are mostly positive might I add. I'm going to let the Universe guide things instead of fighting and pushing like my mother does. I am so having a hard time dealing with her like being cast under her spell and I keep saying Yes and I keep swallowing to let her BE, I keep asking God to calm me down and to help me deal with somebody that has me on edge and I can't control the tears from filling my eyes but u know what, the tears don't fall bc I'm trying SO hard that they don't actually fall unless I let them. I'm acting on my best behavior. I'm THERE, I'm working hard to be somewhere with life and behind issues that can make a difference and all this passion of mine has manifested into something ppl can actually see but I now am seeing how hard it is, For all of us!!!!!! Every single person on this Earth is having a hard time I swear 
That's why we have to accept when we see another fall etc how we should support each other not just financially but also emotionally being so so huge. I am one of them.... Thinking as I'm walking the streets who to call and tell my stupid bullshit pain to! How I don't want to bother anybody I know w these things. How sometimes I don't have the space for other people's problems but really also how I would actually want to help a friend but that even when u help it's just hard like dealing with walls and that even when I tell ppl my advice sometimes they won't take it! So why would I take somebody else's? Would I? If I had to talk to myself and advise myself about tomorrow I think it's best to Network By going to a Tradeshow called Coterie... I'm going to use my meditation app and on the way there wear my headphones (which I never use while walking the streets bc I like to hear the sounds of the city) I will wear something elegant but make it fun, I will take a shower or bath anytime I feel like it! It can be in the morning or middle of the freakin day or a long one at night. I will wear one of my bag designs and have my business cards ready in case anybody compliments it. (Can u believe the ppl who made my biz cards didn't put my Instagram on it? Ugh!) I will try to maybe rent a bike and bike the west side highway if I want to, I will have my eyes open for inspiration, I will be called and attracted by things I should try like a new place I should walk into. I will be my free self and I will be in charge of changing my vibe into what type of person I want to be bc I want to just be who I already am but a happier version! I will take care of myself, I will choose to eat healthy bc that's just what I like to eat, I will try to LOVE myself bc I really need it. I will right now tell myself how much I accept and care for myself and breathe in love and exhale gratitude for being who I am and being my true God or higher self or even friend. How what I think is beautiful and that it exudes  honesty and sincerity and that I am wonderful and extremely talented. I can't make better things come faster so I have to relax and let the right things come when the time is right and to let go of what is out of my control. I want to be under control and not feel like I'm going to POP when I get angry. I do things for more Han myself but bc I also care about my ideas that are about helping OTHERS. If I have to be a human that only cares about myself to succeed i wouldn't be happy with that either. If this doesn't work I will move away and I'm thinking I will stop all social media, start a new blog and get a new job in a new town where it's cheap and nobody knows me. I don't think that's a bad experience I think it could be fun to get lost and that means not speaking with anybody I know at all ppl will think I died. Sometimes I think about that and it's only really running away... But if this doesn't work I might just go and do that. I could move to Mexico or something, I can start over somewhere comfortable and friendly and sunny. I can leave everything and be free. I don't have kids but I want some but for now I want to figure this stupid life out and I'm giving this right now MY ALL.  So, I truly hope I can make this happen. For now I'm just going to have a nice day tomorrow.